The Self-Care We Deserve
How to prioritize rest, pleasure, and boundaries in a world that tells you not to take up space with Amy Green Smith
I’m excited to share a special bonus conversation with Amy Green Smith. After our main episode on people-pleasing, boundaries, and self-worth, Amy and I dived into a crucial topic: self-care. We explore how self-care connects to our feelings of ‘enoughness,’ and whether we have to feel worthy to start caring for ourselves or if self-care is actually the key to feeling that worthiness.
A quick heads up: due to a technical issue, we only have audio for this bonus content, but you can listen to it below or read the full transcript. We also encourage you to check out the full episode of Feminist Founders on your favorite podcast platform for the rest of our conversation.
In this bonus chat, we debunk the myths of self-care and talk about how capitalism and patriarchal systems have skewed our understanding of it. Amy shares some powerful insights about dismantling harmful beliefs and taking care of ourselves in more meaningful ways.
Becky Mollenkamp: Hi Amy, thank you for doing this bonus content for our subscribers. I'm excited to talk about self-care, especially how it relates to feeling ‘enough.’ Again, like we talked about in the main episode, it feels like a chicken-and-egg scenario. Do you have to feel enough to give yourself self-care, or does starting to give yourself care help you feel more worthy? What do you think?
Amy Green Smith: We dive into this a lot more in the episode, but I really feel like you can tackle it from multiple angles. One of those angles is through behavior. Even if you don’t feel like you deserve rest, play, fun, or downtime, you can start by practicing those behaviors. For example, giving yourself downtime or setting boundaries with someone is a nod to your self-worth. It's like saying, ‘I see you, we're working on this worthiness.’ When you allow yourself space to rest, you'll likely think about all the things you should be doing, right? This is an opportunity to stop and think, ‘Where did those beliefs come from?’ Did I consent to these beliefs around productivity and my worth being so tethered to what I produce? Thanks, capitalism. The longer we engage with the behavior, the more we discern that we’re uncomfortable because our beliefs are not aligned. You don’t have to keep those old beliefs that you’re undeserving. And as we talked about, this differs across marginalized identities. I also think we have such a limited scope of what self-care really looks like.
Becky Mollenkamp: Yeah, exactly. You just mentioned capitalism. We live in such a capitalist world where we feel like we have to be productive to deserve self-care, rest, or fun. And not only that, but capitalism also teaches us that self-care looks like things that cost money—like buying expensive bubble baths, getting pedicures, or massages.
Amy Green Smith: Exactly.
Becky Mollenkamp: How do you think about self-care? I’m sure it's more broad than just those kinds of things.
Amy Green Smith: Definitely. In the episode, I mentioned a social justice course I took with Dr. T. Williams. He taught me that if you don’t believe you’re worthy, you’re probably not prioritizing community, play, or rest. All of those things come from believing that you deserve them.
These aren't just arbitrary activities like "take downtime" or "set a boundary." They’re directly tied to your sense of self-worth, which informs everything else. If you’re struggling with something like starting your business or asking for a raise, it’s likely because, deep down, you don’t believe you deserve rest, play, or community.
I look at four major areas of self-care, which I remember with the acronym RESP: Recreational, Environmental, Spiritual, and Physical self-care.
Recreational is about fun and play, which might include some expense, like bubble baths. Environmental is your home or surroundings—taking care of where you live and setting boundaries with those around you. Spiritual is communing with yourself, how you speak to yourself about your body, work, and life. Physical includes things like dentist appointments, hydration, or seeking health support.
Becky Mollenkamp: And I hope physical includes orgasms, whether with someone else or alone, right? Because pleasure is so important—especially for women, where our pleasure has been made shameful. Reclaiming that pleasure is crucial. It’s not only allowed, but necessary.
Amy Green Smith: Absolutely.
Becky Mollenkamp: Pleasure is often something we feel we have to earn. What do you find is the biggest barrier for people in engaging in sufficient self-care?
Amy Green Smith: I’d say it’s about dismantling beliefs. We’re living with beliefs we didn’t consent to—about pleasure, wealth, taking up space, or being deserving of rest. These beliefs tell us to shrink. Once we start dismantling them, our tolerance for bullshit gets lower. When someone treats you poorly or says something offensive, you’re like, "No, I don’t tolerate that anymore." You can't unsee what's been illuminated. It’s about untangling and dismantling beliefs that don’t serve you.
Becky Mollenkamp: Yeah, and people should go back and listen to our main episode because you talk a lot about working through those beliefs. Once you’ve done that work, you can say, "I’m allowed to take up space and care for my needs." Or, as you said in the main episode, you might not yet believe it, but you can start by asking, "What would I do if I did believe in myself?" What self-care actions would I take if I felt worthy of them? And sometimes, taking those actions helps shift the beliefs.
Thank you so much for this bonus conversation. I love talking about this because self-care is often misunderstood and devalued. Rest isn’t just a need—it’s a right. So go follow The Nap Ministry and Tricia Hersey if you need that reinforcement.
Amy Green Smith: Yes!
Becky Mollenkamp: Thank you so much, Amy, for everything you’ve shared here and in the main episode. I appreciate you.
Amy Green Smith: Thank you, Becky.