“I come from a long line of martyrs.”
That’s my go-to line when I talk about my matriarchal lineage and conditioning. It’s funny, but also true.
The women in my life—grandma, mom, aunts—sacrificed for their partners and children. They gave up their own desires to pour into others. They never chose themselves.
They raised children (often alone thanks to bad choices in men), earned a living (often in the form of multiple jobs), and managed the home. The wore themselves ragged.
They wore their martyrdom as a badge of honor. It seemed like their self-worth was tied up in being recognized for their efforts and selflessness.
I rarely saw them ask for nor receive help. If they did, it was done reluctantly and with embarrassment.
Breathing that air throughout my life explains why I still struggle with asking for help, even at nearly 50 years old.
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I’m not alone.
So many women struggle to ask for help—and it’s not always due to familial conditioning like mine.
Women learn that asking doesn’t always work for us like it does for men.
Women are more likely to negotiate their pay than men, but are told ‘no’ more often. (source)
Women who speak up in forceful, assertive ways in the workplace (including asking for support) are more likely to be seen as angry (whereas men are seen as ‘strong'), which costs women both prestige and influence. (source)
Women are more likely than men to ask for help at home (source), but it doesn’t seem to matter because women continue to carry far more of the workload (source), including the mental load (source).
—> Some women learn that asking for help is failure because we are supposed to be strong enough to do it all.
—> Some women learn that asking for help is selfish because we are supposed to be caring enough to want to do it all.
—> Some women learn that asking for help is futile (it doesn’t work anyway) or even dangerous (it results in punishment).
—> Some of us learn all of that and more.
The result? Women experience burnout at higher levels than men (source).
I’m not here to tell you how to make asks. I’m here to show you.
[That said, I’m thrilled to share this amazing piece, “The Art of Asking” from my friend . This step-by-step guide is my go-to resource to share with my coaching clients.]
I need help.
In the last week, I’ve had to confront my over-giving. I’m doing a lot of unpaid labor and it’s caught up with my finances.
Overseeing this newsletter, keeping up with Feminist Founders podcast, starting and managing a podcasters collective, and pouring a lot into another community I helped birth eats up a lot of time. (And, of course, I’m also a parent.)
My coaching business has suffered. I can’t blame it all on the free stuff I do (business has been slowing for a while), but it does leave me with less time than I should dedicate to lead generation.
I’ve cut back on some unpaid activities, which was painful. Those that remain are things that feel like my calling and that I truly believe make a difference in the world.
Thanks to the encouragement of Erika Lucas (who will be a guest on next season of Feminist Founders), I’m going to explore grants and other funding methods to help support this unpaid work.
In the meantime, however, I’m here to ask for your support.
I want to preface this ask by saying it’s so incredibly difficult for me to do this. It’s humbling and embarrassing to admit that I’m financially struggling.
This is an opportunity for me to model the very behaviors I encourage in my own coaching clients.
Here’s my direct, clear, and specific ask (using Sarah Peck’s advice)…
If you have ever benefitted from Feminist Founders newsletter or podcast or from my coaching and teaching in any way (or perhaps from the various communities I’ve created), I’m asking you to consider taking one or several of these steps, which I hope are mutually beneficial:
⭐️ Sign up for a coaching program: There are three ways to work with me this summer if you could benefit from support between June and August:
• 1:1 Coaching (direct support on your goals)
• Feminist Summer School (group support on your goals)
• Smart Steps to Zero (debt paydown program)
⭐️ Grab my products: I’m so proud of the Feminist Founders Guide to Building Your Dream Life workbook, and I don’t talk about it nearly often enough. It’s filled with tools to guide you through envisioning what you want for your life and business, and deciding what changes are needed to make it happen.
I also have a 90-Day Planner if you are a fan of quarterly sprints and paper planning.
⭐️ Buy a paid subscription: Consider upgrading to a paid subscription here (as little as $5/mo.). If you’re already a paid subscriber, consider gifting Feminist Founders to a friend.
⭐️ Switch to Podia: If you’re in the market for a new course-hosting platform (or one that can also handle digital downloads, memberships, and even lite email marketing), check out Podia. I have been a user and supporter for nearly a decade, and get a nice affiliate reward if you sign up using my link (at no cost to you).
⭐️ Get a new planner: Check out the undated paper planners in this post. If you buy one, I get a small affiliate fee for recommending it (don’t worry, it doesn’t change your price).
⭐️ Add to your bookshelf: Browse the books I recommend in these posts and buy one of the books listed. I get a very tiny affiliate fee from Amazon if you buy from my link.
There’s another way to support me if the above options aren’t a good fit (or in addition to the above options).
Buy me a croissant 🥐: If you simply want to express your gratitude for the work I create without anything in return, you can send any amount of money using this link (similar to Buy Me a Coffee).
If this ask gets enough support, I’m hoping it will provide the financial relief I need to survive this summer (ie, pay my portion of my family’s bills) while I do all I can to find alternative funding sources.
Let me end this very, VERY difficult message with this: I’m asking only…
• those of you who feel you’ve gained something from my free work,
• to give only if it won’t represent a financial burden for you,
• and to give only in a way that feels aligned for you.
I’d never hold it against anyone who can’t or doesn’t give to this ask. And I ask that you not hold this ask against me.
Okay, now to muster the courage to hit send on this post. It honestly feels scarier than sending you a nude pic. 🤣
Your biggest fan,
Becky
PS: Another way you can support me beyond finances is to comment on this post (or hit reply if you prefer private vs. public replies) and ease my fears about sending this message. Share your own story of struggling with asking for help, making a difficult ask, or receiving support.
My mum gave all of herself to others and I inherited some of her people-pleasing traits. I don’t recognise the martyr part, we were raised to just get on with it and never complain—typical British “keep calm and carry on” attitude. So I hear you.
Just ordered your guide, thanks for the reminder! I appreciate you Becky, hope you get all the support you need to keep doing your fabulous work.